Trying to Get it Out

Hey!

Long time, I know. I wanted to express myself the way I enjoy it best, through writing. I have been having the ability to experience life from various perspectives. I have been experiencing it as a woman in here 30's. That is such an interesting dynamic because I used to think that being 30 and up was considered being old. Now, here I am, 32. I still jokingly say that I am old, but I am grateful for the wisdom and the learning experiences that came with these 32 years. 

I am experiencing life as an African-American woman living in a world that is getting stranger and cries desperately for unity and better daily. No, I am not here to bash Donald Trump, but living in this era is going to be something I will not quickly forget. I can only pray for better in the near future. 

I am experiencing life without my mother and father... just typing that hurts me. I am healing daily, but I will not deny that it has been a long journey. Just as Rick James said cocaine is a helluva drug, grief is a helluva roller coaster ride. The pain, the anger, the endless questions to oneself, the darkness, the depression, feeling unworthy of living--- that shit hits you and it is hard. Trying to recover from it all, even harder. I have to admit, that through the inadequate feelings, through the rut, through the darkness, I am grateful that God was there. I cannot express enough how grateful I am that I believe in Him and He never left me.

I am experiencing life with a change in careers. It is interesting, the joy at the simplicity of it all. I am grateful to get up and go to work daily. I feel good while at work daily, and that has been a struggle for me for some time. I also am happy to have more free time to devote to myself and to others. 

I am experiencing life with therapy as a resource. I underestimated the positive reinforcement that seeing a therapist could have on me. I had to coerce myself to go, for the sake of my mental health. I was mentally, physically and emotionally drained around this time last year. I can honestly admit that therapy has been a pivotal shift in my mundane, stagnant life. 

Through all of these life experiences, I am changing. I can feel a positive shift for me. It is quite scary... makes me nervous, because in the back of my mind I am thinking, okay, when will the bad shit start happening. It is as if I am trying to protect myself from the bad things that could happen. Ultimately, I have to be mindful that I cannot control the happenings, I can only control my actions to them. That, my friends, is easier said than done. 

I am used to trying to take care of everything and sooo used to making it seem as if everything is okay. I have learned that it is okay to not have the answers to everything, that it is okay to not be strong--learned that in my weakest of moments. These life experiences are molding me, God- willing, into a living miracle/testimony to help others overcome the hurdles life bring. Sheesh! Grateful for it all!